Post #48 - I Lost Myself

I lost myself somewhere. 

I lost my drive, my passion, my willingness to dream and to try...

I lost my laughter and my desire to make others laugh. 

I lost my love for love and for life. 

I lost me.

And it's been hard to pinpoint exactly where I was lost. 

Was it when I realized that my husband didn't believe in me? Was it when church people hurt me soon after I got saved because I was trying to walk like Jesus? Or was it when they put me down and humiliated me because they realized I had a gift?

Or was it way before that when I felt so unloved and alone at home? Or when I got bullied in school? Or when my mother left me for the streets and my dad denied me?

I don't know exactly when I lost myself, but I can remember the changes I went through. 

How I went from cracking jokes to never smiling. How I went from being the center of attention to hiding myself away. How I ran from love so it wouldn't hurt me anymore. 

I stopped doing the things I loved. I stopped pursuing dreams. I let the difficulties of life and the things people said get to me. I gave up and withdrew. 

I lost myself.

And then... I realized that I was lost.

And I determined that I would find myself again. Find my smile, my love, my light, my fire... My life.

I had to take my life back.

And I am taking it back. Day by day. 

It's a struggle. 

And every day I have to fight for my mind. Fight to remember that God is in control and He has given me authority and dominion. 

Every day I have to remind myself who I am. I have to remember to love myself. And remember that God loves me... even if no one else does.

Every day I am fighting for my dreams and my ability to go after them. I'm fighting to matter. But, not to anyone else... to myself.

I'm striving each day to be better than I was the day before. 

And to never retreat back into sadness and defeat. 

God has given me a joy in the midst of my pain that I, seriously, don't understand. But I am thankful for it. And no matter what I might be going through, I am going to continue to fight for that joy.

I am finding myself. 

And I am fighting to never lose myself again!