Post #8 - The Break Up (It Was Necessary)

I recently went through a pretty bad break up. And, though the events leading to the break up were difficult and painful, they were necessary.

At first, I was perplexed by what happened. How did the relationship deteriorate so fast?

But, then I remembered that nothing just happens. Everything happens for a reason.

Before this relationship, I was single for a very long time. I had gotten divorced in 2006 and had not had a serious and meaningful relationship since.

I would like to say that I was happy being single and content with being on my own. But in actuality, I avoided men and relationships to avoid being hurt. There's no unnecessary drama and foolishness in your life when you're single.

I also took the single time to heal from my very volatile relationship and subsequent divorce and felt I was getting over all that had happened.

It wasn't until I entered into what I considered a serious relationship that the truth of what had been held inside me came out.

I didn't even realize it, and wasn't fully aware until after the relationship fell apart, that I had begun expressing the fear of reliving what I had experienced in my last relationship.

The fear of being hurt, the fear of being deceived, the fear of being controlled and losing myself in the process... again... all came out of me.

I put up my wall of protection and preservation and reacted every time I noticed something remotely out of whack.

My ex quietly rebelled against my show of fear and quickly became exasperated. I say he quietly rebelled because he didn't outwardly talk to me about my actions or his frustration. He held it in, possibly not even realizing that he was getting angrier and angrier - until he blew up in what seemed like never-ending arguing.

Obviously, because the situation involves another person, I will not go into great detail about what happened, but I think I am touching on the main gist of the story...

Anyways... before I knew it, the relationship was over and I didn't quite understand what I had done to contribute to its breakdown.

Until God revealed my mistakes.

He reminded me of the situations where I could have been more supportive or more appreciative. He showed me where my fear had taken over and I wasn't quite being myself, saying and doing things I normally wouldn't.

I thought that I was over all of the pain from the past. After all, it had been nearly 13 years since I was divorced. I had no idea that it was still lying dormant, waiting for something, or someone, to come and wake it up.

It was unfortunate, and very painful, but it had to happen.

If I had remained single and never gotten into a relationship, I would have never known that those fears still existed. I would have never known that there were issues that I still had locked inside and needed to be worked out.

I was blindsided by what was inside me, as I'm sure he was. But, as weird as it may sound, I'm glad that it happened. I now have the chance to grow and overcome those fears. I am no longer bound by them and I don't have to be afraid to give all of myself to the right relationship.

To my ex... I'm sorry. I know you were caught in the crossfire and didn't know how to deal with what you were experiencing. Honestly, neither did I. I pray for healing and revelation for you, and above all, the understanding of the fullness of God's love.

And mine. I love you forever.

-Erika!

P.S. This blog was inspired by the necessary changes brought to light by the end of this relationship.  To read the other posts that are contributing to my consistency and growth, click here.