Post #25 - All In

I've shared before how, until recently, I had been struggling with fear. I had been fighting to live my dreams but was scared to go out after them. I was afraid of failure, afraid of judgement, afraid of success. I was afraid of the heightened responsibility of walking in my purpose. I was afraid of not being enough.

I slowly began doing things to increase my faith and move me towards the fullness of my purpose. I began doing things to encourage and edify myself.

But I moved slow so healing came slow.

I still didn't fully believe in myself. I was still too scared. And I did only those things that didn't take me too far out of my comfort zone. I played it safe.

I saw others going after their dreams and heard them talk about their ambition and drive. I heard their testimonies about how they got to where they did against all odds.

I started to wonder where my drive went. Where my ambition disappeared to. Why I wanted some things so badly but wasn't moved to go and get them.

In meditation one morning, I got my answer.

My drive, my ambition, my courage was hidden behind fear. Fear had become such a staple in my life that it took the place of drive and ambition.

To move fear out of the way, I would need to feel fear and do what I needed to do anyways. I would have to do it afraid.

So, I started looking fear in the face. And I realized that he wasn't as tough as he seemed. When you stand up to fear, he backs down. He can't stand against your confidence and boldness. Fear can't stand against your faith.

It's not easy, but when I begin to feel fear, I talk to the fear and rebuke it! I tell fear that it is a liar. That it is just a figment of my imagination and remind it that I can do all things because Christ gives me strength.

And fear has no choice but to back down!! 

And I am strengthened and encouraged.

So now... I'M ALL IN!

I'm going hard and fast after my dreams and realizing the drive and ambition I had once had.

I'm taking the desires that God has given me and I'm putting them to work. I'm putting my all into my dreams. And I'm expecting a miraculous end! 

Post #24 - A Year Later | My Back Story - Now

A year later and I'm still at my aunt's house. I honestly didn't think I would be here this long. My plan was to finish school and QUICKLY find a job and venture out on my own. 

NO. SUCH. LUCK.

I have submitted hundreds and more hundreds of resumes and filled out too many applications to count... and nobody has hired me.

In fact, out of the hundreds of jobs that I have applied for, only TWO have showed any real interest. And those did not pan out.

I have heard multiple times how great my resume is and how qualified I am, but that's as far as it has gone. I've been having no luck on the job front. 

I was so stressed about not finding a job that I ended up in the hospital for a few days a few months ago. I thought I was having a heart attack and had my aunt take me to the ER. 

Thankfully it was not a heart attack! The doctor said that my heart is strong. The symptoms that I experienced - chest tightness, back pain, pain in both of my arms, lightheadedness, and nausea - mimicked a heart attack, but were from cervical muscle spasms. 

All side effects of stress. 

I had to take stock of my situation and remind myself that everything I was trying to do was out of my control. For my part, I can apply for the jobs and follow up. I cannot MAKE anyone hire me. 

It's funny because before my MBA, I had no problem finding work. Now, hiring managers are telling me that I am overqualified and companies are afraid that they will have to pay me a salary worthy of an MBA. 

They are right.

That's why I am now applying for the positions ABOVE the ones I usually apply for - the ones I USED to apply for. Above the ones I know I could get without a problem if I left out the fact that I have a Master's degree.

I am applying for positions that are sure to challenge me. 

There was a time in my life when I chased challenges. I always chose the option that was more challenging in an attempt to push myself farther than I had gone before. And I felt proud and more confident every time I overcame a challenge.

Then life got to me. I began to fear failure and I started hanging out in my comfort zone. 

But, now I have overcome fear and I am ready to conquer challenges again. I am ready to push myself toward something greater than I had allowed myself to strive for before. I want more than just what I am used to. I want to step over boundaries and challenge myself again. 

So, I am not going to allow myself to settle for convenience or what others think I should do. I will not settle for jobs that are easy and easily obtainable. 

I AM PUSHING MYSELF TO THE NEXT LEVEL. 

It's what God has been urging me to do. It's necessary for this season I'm in. 

And let's face it, God is not going to let me go for anything less than His best for me anyways.

Post #23 - Denying Myself

I wish things weren't going the way they are. 

I am completely unhappy with my situation. 

I'm worn out and tired. I don't understand why some things are happening... and why some things are not. And NOTHING is going the way I want it to. 

I'm having trouble finding a good job. My relationship has fallen apart. I'm in an uncomfortable living situation. And I'm struggling to pay my bills.

But I know that it's all working out for my good.

I know that God has something and someone especially chosen for me. And I know that at just the right time, God will present them to me. 

It may not be what I want it to be or come the way I want it to, but it will be perfect for me and will come at the perfect time. 

So for now, I will wait on God. 

I will deny myself of what I really want and I will wait for God to give me what He has for me... what I need.

I want to settle for something easy and convenient. I want to do what I need to do to ease the pain and discomfort. I want to force things to happen and manipulate them to go my way. 

But I know that my way isn't always the right way. I know that I can't rush God's blessings. I know that the race is not given to the swift or the strong, but to the one who endures until the end.

I know that if I wait on the Lord, I will be renewed and strengthened.

I know that if I give my cares to Him, He will give me everything I need, and I will be lacking nothing.

So, I'm going to do without what I don't have because I know that what God chooses for me is so much better than anything I can choose for myself. 

I will deny myself. I will pick up my cross. And follow the Lord (Matthew 16:24).

Post #22 - Competition Amongst the Church

I don't understand why people in the church compete against one another.

They compete for positions and titles and treat each other less than godly to get them. Then stoop even lower to keep them.

What baffles me about the competition is that as believers we are supposed to be on the same team. We are supposed to be working towards the same goal of advancing the kingdom.

If we are all serving the same God and working to accomplish His purpose, why are we fighting against each other?

Proverbs 18:16 says that our gifts will make room for us. This means that WE ALL have God given gifts that He desires us to use to glorify Him. And at some point He WILL use those gifts for His edification. 

There is enough room for us all. 

But some people want to keep the platform and spotlight for themselves.

There are enough Sundays in the year and enough church services to attend to let others a chance to express their love for God as well.

Which makes me wonder...

If people are fighting each other for the spotlight, is their love for real? Is their worship for real? Or is it just a ploy to be seen?

Spotlight or not, we are all children of God. We are all serving the same God and working to advance the same kingdom. So, we should be working together to develop one another (iron sharpens iron, Proverbs 27:17) and fight our common enemy.

The enemy wants us to be divided. When we are divided, we are weakened and cannot reach our full potential. And when the church competes against one another, it gives the enemy the advantage.

We should be fighting with one another, not against.

Serving God is not about each individual being in the spotlight and having their fifteen minutes of fame. It's about putting the spotlight on God so that His work can be completed. 

...And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all men unto me (John 12:32).

Post #21 - I'm More Than What You See

Theres a saying that when a person shows you who they are, you should believe it. I say we should believe what God says about us.

We all go through our own individual struggles and those struggles sometimes effect who we are and how we present ourselves. Not that we are bad people, but sometimes our struggles make us act out of character.

I used to have an issue with this guy at church. I don't really know what the issue was or why he disliked me, but it was as if he delighted in putting me down.

I complained to him and about him to anyone who would listen. I even complained to God. When I was supposed to be praying, I found myself complaining about him and would actually get angry while in prayer.

I would tell God how this person needed to change and asked how he could hold his position in the church and treat people the way he did. I continuously vented to God about the things the guy would do and say.

This went on day after day until one day, in the midst of "prayer" God said to me, "Is he not my son, too?"

Wow! That floored me! I had never thought of it that way before. All I could see was how terrible the guy was being to me and to others. But God asked me to see the guy through spiritual eyes.

There's another saying that hurt people hurt people. This is so true. People who are hurting tend to do and say things, sometimes unintentionally, to hurt other people. There may be something about a person or situation that reminds the hurt person of the situation that hurt them... and they react.

God revealed to me that the guy at church is one of those hurt people who are subconsciously hurting others. God said that the guy needed prayer - true and genuine prayer, not just a complaint session. 

A lot of times, people act the way they do because of something that hurt them in their past. They may not realize it, but they act the way they do for fear of being hurt, or failing, or outdone.... Some people withdraw and run from these things, others go on the defensive.

In either case, God asks that we see them for who they REALLY are, not who they show us they are.

Remember that we were all made in God's image and likeness. He has ordained a plan and path for us even before we were born. At the same time, the enemy has developed his own plan to derail us.

And when the awful moments happen in our lives that reshape us, we can be pushed off track. That's why it is important to love and pray for one another. Not only does it disrupt the plan of the enemy, but it helps each other to grow and be healed. 

We don't know why we act the way we do or the extent of one another's pain. So, let's not look at one another just on the surface. Let's pray for one another and ask God to show us each other through His eyes. 

God will truly change the way we see one another. 

Post #20 - Moving On

It's hard... it's hard moving on. It's hard letting go of the people and things that you love. But, sometimes it is necessary.

Moving on allows for healing. And healing is definitely something that I need right now.

But to allow for the healing, I have to let go of the past and allow myself to move forward.

Holding on to the past keeps us stuck there, unable to live our lives to the fullest.

So, that's what I have to do: let go of the past and allow myself to move forward.

I have high hopes. I don't know the fullness of God's plan, but I know that it is perfect. I know that whatever lies ahead of me is for my good. And I welcome it with open arms and an open mind.

The events of my recent past have changed me in so many ways. They opened my eyes and imparted a lot of much needed wisdom.

Now, I am excited to move forward with life and put that wisdom - and the amazing freedom that came along with it - to work.

Moving on is good. I have to move on. I'm happy to move on. And I'm happy to finally be free from the past.

Post #19 - It's Not About You!

We hate going through hard times. Don't we?

When trouble comes, we fall apart. We wonder "why me?" and allow the situation to overtake us.

I recently went through my own trouble and felt the same way... at first.

Then I was reminded that what I was going through had nothing to do with me.

Yes, I was the one enduring it, but I was going through it for a reason.

God allows us to go through difficult situations not only so that we can be developed, but so we can have a testimony to help someone else.

What is true about every difficult situation we get into is that IT WILL NOT LAST. Sooner or later it will subside and all we will be left with is a story.

A story about what we learned, what was changed in us, and how we made it through.

All we will have is our testimony.

Our testimony can be used to help somebody go through what we have already experienced. 2 Corinthians 1:4 says that God "comforts us in all of our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us."

So, really, it's not about you!

What you are going through WILL NOT LAST and God will comfort you through it. He will give you peace, revelation, and breakthrough and with that, you will be able to help somebody else through what they are experiencing.

So, when you find yourself in a difficult situation asking WHY?, turn it around and ask yourself WHY NOT?

Why not allow yourself the chance to grow and be used by God to help someone else?

Instead, ask God to reveal the purpose behind the trouble and develop your testimony.

Then wait for your opportunity to help somebody else develop theirs!

Post #18 - I Don't Mind Waiting

Waiting is not my strong suit.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind waiting. I just don't like waiting too long.

The problem with waiting for God is that His timing is not like our timing. Peter 3:8 says that "with the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like a day.

It's not that God is working slowly or taking His time. He is waiting for the right time.

God's timing is perfect. And if He gives us what He promised too soon, we may not be ready for it.

But waiting on the Lord strengthens us. While we are waiting, God works His marvelous works in us. He refines us and gets us prepared for His promises. Isaiah 40:31 that says that "they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint.

Waiting patiently takes courage and strength. We have all been in situations where waiting has seemed unbearable. Where we thought we could not wait another day and we wanted to give up.

But, our wait time depends on us. We have to be willing to not only wait patiently, but to follow God's direction and do the things that He tells us to do. They are all for a purpose. All for our preparation and refinement.

So, even though I don't like the waiting, even though the waiting is not easy, I recommend trusting in God and waiting anyways.

God is sovereign and His timing is perfect. And as we wait on Him, we will be made perfect in Him.

Post #17 - My Stupid, Stupid, Stupid Financial Decision! | My Back Story - Now

I ended 2017 with a whimper. Nothing important happened. Nothing exciting. I was still sitting lazy and comfortable in my now furnished apartment... and getting fat.

I didn't go back to work after my surgery. I was always sick when I worked at that place. And I think it was the extreme stress that sent me into surgery in the first place. So, I decided to focus on completing my Master's degree and looking for an easy part-time job to make some extra money.

I applied to several places close by my apartment so that I wouldn't have to take much time commuting. That way, I could still focus primarily on my studies. 

NO ONE HIRED ME! 

I guess I wasn't really bothered. I was okay with staying at home. I was surviving off of financial aid. My bills were paid, I was comfortable, I was eating... I had no immediate worries.

That is, until September of 2018. 

Money got a little strange that month. I received my regular financial aid refund very late. That delay caused a chain of misfortune that I still haven't quite recovered from. 

The payment was so late in September that I could not pay my rent that month, nor could I buy anything else that I needed.

Wait... Let me go back... 

In July, a good friend of mine passed away. I spend money I couldn't exactly afford to spend to travel to Chicago to her funeral. I made no complaints. I was happy to go. I wanted to be there to pay my respects. And I didn't feel the effects of the trip right away. 

In August, I still had SOME of the money I needed to pay my rent, but not all of it. So, to ensure my rent was paid, I wrote a check and counted on my overdraft protection to cover it. 

That was a very stupid and irresponsible idea!

But, I figured that I would be getting a check during the first week of September and I could pay it back. But it didn't happen that way...

The check I was supposed to receive around September 6th didn't arrive until September 25th. Nearly a whole month had passed without my rent getting paid! Luckily, I had never paid my rent late, so the landlord was patient with me.

In the meantime, I withdrew more money from my empty bank account to buy food and monthly necessities, which put me more into debt. 

By the time September 25th came around, my bank was demanding payment on the overdraft or my account would be suspended. 

I was freaking out! I had no idea when the financial aid refund would finally arrive.

When it did, it was received via direct deposit, and the bank immediately took the money that I owed them. I was, again, left with only a portion of the rent.

I didn't have anyone I could call on to ask for the remainder of the money... and I felt it was too much to ask of someone anyways. And my landlord had run out of patience. He could not take partial payment and let me pay the rest later. 

The problem was, September was the last month on my lease and since it was so late in the month, I would have had to pay October's rent as well to renew the lease if I wanted to stay. Needless to say, I couldn't afford both months, so I had to find someplace else to go. 

My aunt was gracious enough to allow me to stay with her for a while. Who knew how long "a while" would be?

Post #16 - Who Should I Be?

We all go through a time in our lives when we try to figure out who we are. And if we are not careful, we can allow our circumstances and other people to decide for us.

Some of us allow our past to determine who we are. We think that the bad experiences we went through are what defines us.

But they don't.

Just because you went through or struggled with something, doesn't mean that's who you are. That divorce you got doesn't make you a failure. It doesn't mean that you will forever be a divorcee. And because you have struggled with an addiction doesn't mean that you are still and will forever be an addict.

We have been healed and delivered from the struggles of our past and we have to stop identifying with them. We need to stop calling ourselves what we've been through.

We are who God says we are!

And He doesn't call us according to what we have done and what we've been through. He calls us by where He is taking us - who He has destined us to be.

So, instead of looking at ourselves from the lens of our past, we should seek to find our identity in God.

He has a special purpose for us that He had planned before we even existed. God says in Jeremiah 1:5, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you..." And when we seek Him and ask our identity in Him, He will reveal it to us.

Throughout the bible, we can learn what God says about who we are and who we can be.

He says that we are love, we are righteousness, we are giant killers, we are overcomers, we are forgiveness, we are healers, we are miracle workers, we are rich, we are strong, we are more than enough, we are the head and not the tail, we are more than conquerors , and we are much, much more.

When we focus on what God says about us rather than listening to what others say, what the enemy says, or even what we say about ourselves, we are sure to find who we are.

But we have to go to the source, to the one who made us.

It is only in God that we will find our true identity.

Post #15 - No More Running

I didn't want to write this post tonight. I wanted to write about something else, and even started writing about the other topic, but God brought me back to this. The post might be a little late (because I'm not posting it until it's just right), but I pray someone is blessed by it... 


I went through a period in my life where I felt lost and didn't know what my purpose was on this earth. I constantly asked God to reveal it to me. I asked God to use me and let me be of service. I needed to feel like I had a place... a reason to live.

Then He told me what He wants me to do.

WHAT?!?! You want me to do WHAT?!

When God shared with me what He required of me, I thought there was NO WAY I could do that! I thought that what He said was SO MUCH bigger than me! That I could never accomplish all of that. I could NEVER do what He was saying!

So, I did the only thing I thought I could do...

I ran.

I ran for a long time.

I did not think, for the life of me, that I was going to be able to do what God had said. I didn't think I was capable or worthy of doing it.

And I was DETERMINED that I would not do it.

I made all types of excuses of why I not only WOULD not do it, but why I COULD not do it... It was not what I wanted for myself. I did not want that kind of exposure (I still don't, really). It was not what I had ever envisioned myself doing. It's not ME, or where or who I wanted to be...

This wasn't right!! How could I be the one God had chosen for this?? How could He possibly expect this from me??

Fear had me bound and believing that I couldn't do what God was calling me to.

And I continued to run and make excuses. And be disobedient.

I refused to move when I was told to move. I refused to believe that I could do something so big.

Then God did an amazing thing in me... He changed my mind.

He helped me to begin to see myself through His eyes... and changed my vision!

I still think that my purpose is so much bigger than me. But, now I understand that if it weren't, I wouldn't need God to do it.

If I could do it all myself, I might want to take the glory for myself. I might be tempted to believe that I did it on my own.

In all that He does in and through us, it is God that deserves the glory, not us.

In fact, it's not about us at all!

God doesn't use us to showcase us. He uses us so that WE can showcase HIM.

And because God is with me, because He is leading me, step by step, to my purpose, I know that I CAN do it. And I know that I will be hidden behind Him.

"Baby steps," is what He tells me. I'm taking it slow and not allowing anyone (not even myself) to rush the process. God is patient and kind and He does not push us beyond our capabilities.

Instead, He shows us what we are capable of and encourages us forward... right into our purpose.

So, I was right. I wasn't capable of accomplishing the grandness of my purpose on my own. But, I can do all things through Christ (Philippians 4:13). I CAN do it with God's guidance.

With God, all things possible (‎Matthew 19:26). It's even possible for me to believe that I can accomplish the purpose He has called me to.

I can step out of my comfort zone and step into His perfect will.

I now trust that I can follow God and He will lead me safely to my purpose.

And I am no longer running.

Post #14 - This Is Only A Test

The one thing I've learned is a certainty in this spiritual walk is that our faith will be tested.

The bible warns us that we will have trouble in this world. God uses that trouble to teach us something or to test what we have already learned.

God does not intend this to hurt us, but to strengthen and grow us.

You will hear me talk about this a lot because it is something many of us struggle with. We have a hard time handling and enduring trouble. 

Especially when God is silent. When it seems like He's not present and not doing anything to fix our situation. This is when the testing hurts the most.

But, remember that the teacher is always silent during the test. It is only after the test that the teacher conducts a review and tells you what you got wrong. And... shares the right answers.

Our spiritual fight is just like that of a classroom. 

When we find ourselves struggling in school, we don't give up and condemn ourselves because we got a bad grade. We don't allow ourselves to drown in it. We buckle down. We bury ourselves in our books, get a tutor, thoroughly review our notes... We do everything we can - studying and trying our hardest to pull our grades up.

That's exactly what we need to do in our spiritual lives. Starting with repentance, we can be confident that God has forgiven us for our sins and we don't have to suffer condemnation. We don't have to beat ourselves up or allow anyone else to smother us with blame.

And we know that because Jesus is our Savior, we are STILL victorious.

Then, we can do what's necessary to draw closer to God so that we won't fail the next test.

Read the bible. Study it.

We need to immerse ourselves in the word of God and in God Himself.

Putting God first in all we do, acknowledging Him in all we do, gives Him the opportunity to guide us and us the opportunity to effectively learn His ways.

Then, when we are tested, we will know how to handle ourselves and ensure that we do not fail.

And even when we do make mistakes, we will know that we are NOT failures - that we are NOT counted out.

We will know what God says about us. We will KNOW that we are still His children. We are still more than conquerors. And we are STILL victorious!

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Post #13 - REAL Love

After some recent life events, I struggled in loving those that had hurt me. I know that I felt love, but I struggled with it. I couldn't understand how I could still love those who had so callously written me off. I prayed to God about love and forgiveness and asked Him this question:

"How can I still love someone who had treated me so callously? How can I love someone who continuously behaves that way?"

God said that I can love them the same way that He loves me... unconditionally.

I am not a perfect person by any means. I make mistakes. I've been disobedient, I have mood swings, I've lost faith, I've said unkind things, and I've even turned away from God.

And in all of this... God still loves me.

God told me that His love is not dependent upon my behavior. No matter what I do, He still loves me. And that is how He expects us to love one another.

To love and accept someone ONLY if they act the way you want them to act is loving with conditions and is NOT real love.

If we REALLY love someone, we will love them even when they make mistakes. In fact, Colossians 3:13 tells us to "make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you..."

NO ONE is perfect and we will all mess up at some point. If everyone hated everyone else EVERY TIME we made mistakes, this would be a world completely void of love.

How could we survive that way??

Most people are unhappy in life because they don't know how to love. They sabotage themselves because they think that the only time they should show love to someone else is when that person is acting a certain way.

God commanded us love our neighbors as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:39). Think abut it, when you make a mistake, when you act out of character, do you write yourself off and never talk to yourself again?

Of course not!

In fact, most of us immediately excuse our own mistakes and expect others to quickly forgive us and forget about what we have done.

Why don't we love each other this way?

It's funny how we refuse to be that forgiving toward others. We hold them captive to their mistakes and try to make them pay for them.

How hypocritical we are!

Unconditional love means to treat others the way you want to be treated. It means loving them ANYWAYS, no matter what they have done. It means forgiving them and encouraging them to do better.

It doesn't mean that we can't be upset and hurt. It just means that we should show forgiveness and understanding. Most of the time, our mistakes are not intended to hurt anyone anyways. After all, to do something by mistake is to do it accidentally. Right?

True, we can be wrong sometimes. And the thing we've done wrong can hurt or offend someone. But, REAL love is understanding that being wrong doesn't necessarily make the person bad.

Instead of focusing on the person's mistake, consider what they might be going through, what they might be feeling. Consider WHY they may have made the mistake and try to use understanding rather than anger.

Remember, we cannot change the way others act and the things they do. But, we CAN control our own actions and reactions.

We can control the way we love, and we can CHOOSE to love others UNCONDITIONALLY. 

Post #12 - The Problem Is, I've Been Through This Before (Cycles)

If you are anything like me, you try to avoid trouble. You run from it.

Every time a situation gets the least bit hot, or is no longer going the way I think it should, I bail.

Ain't nobody got time for that!

But... if you are anything like me, you also find yourself going through the same situations over and over again.

And, like me, you probably blame the circumstances. It's the other person's fault or the job is not right for you or the relationship has run its course.

But, really, it's because when hard times come, we run. We give up. We throw in the towel.

What is important to understand is that our hard times don't come just to aggravate us. They come to teach us lessons and to build our strength.

But if we run every time something gets hard, our lessons are never learned and we remain in weakness.

People go to the gym to get into shape. Right? They run and do calisthenics and lift weights, ripping and tearing their muscles and putting their cardiovascular system under pressure. They do all of this with the expectation that their body is going to change - that they are going to get slim, trim, and fine.

Well, this is what God does for us. He sends us to our spiritual gym. He allows us to endure difficult situations to put us, and our faith, to the test. To measure our spiritual endurance.

Like the person who goes to the gym, we've got to keep going to get the desired results. If we don't hang in there when we are tested, when we get tired, when it hurts, when times get hard... we will never build our spiritual muscles. We will never get what we need to grow and be strengthened.

So, whenever we quit that job or relationship, or even that workout routine, prematurely, we are sabotaging ourselves and our opportunity for spiritual strength.

When we give up because we have encountered a difficult place, because things aren't the way they used to be, or because the situation is not comfortable anymore, we will, at some point in our near future, find ourselves going through that situation again.

We will find ourselves experiencing the same arguments and complaints, bad attitudes, disagreements and disappointments. We will just keep repeating the cycle.

What we don't realize is that there are blessings in going through our hard times. But, our blessings are waiting for us on the other side of the trial.

We tend to think that our trials are going to last forever. Or that we cannot handle them. And then we stop. We give up... right in the middle.

That is why we keep experiencing them. Because we never really go THROUGH them.

We stop in the middle of darkness when there is light at the end of the tunnel. How can we ever get to the revelations of God when we don't fight through the darkness of the problem?

To quit is to remain in darkness.

But God is the God of another chance. He will give us opportunity after opportunity to FINALLY get it right.

When I noticed that I was repeating the cycle AGAIN, I asked God what it was about me that was causing me to continuously go through the same situation. God told me that I gave up too easily. He showed me the things I walked away from because they got difficult. And they were way more than I care to admit.

And He told me what I am telling you right now: To break the cycle and get past the stalemate - the place where I had been stuck - I have to endure some things. I have to stay the course and remember that I am not alone.

In 2 Chronicles 20:15, the Lord says, "Be not afraid nor dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours, but God's."

That means that no matter what we are going through and how bad it seems, we are not going through it alone.

We can endure our problems and difficulties because God is with us. And instead of fighting with our flesh, we can give our situations over to God and ask Him to give us strength to endure it while He carries us through it.

God is strong in our weakness. And He is the ONLY way we can break the cycle.

Post #11 - Excuse Me

I'm REALLY not feeling well tonight, y'all...

Feeling really bad.

You'll have to excuse me. 

Post #10 - No More Procrastination

It's been 10 days since I began challenging myself to write and post something to this blog everyday. I intend to continue to post everyday for a year, and so far, I doing pretty good.

But, consistency is hard!! Can I get a witness??

It's hard to figure out what to write about everyday. And, it's hard to stay focused and disciplined enough to get something written.

To be honest, I have been shamefully procrastinating to get my writing done. Just about every night, I have waited until the last minute to write something and get it posted before midnight.

I'm sure nobody noticed, but the majority of my posts over the last ten days were shared after 10 pm.

And some of them were made after 11.

That's because I would realize around 9:30 or so that I had not written anything, or I didn't finish what I started writing for the day. I usually find myself busy trying to complete EVERY task on my "to do" list AND watch A Different World... and I end up NOT getting done as much as I would have liked to. Then, I end up rushing to get a post written and published on time.

In fact, that's what's happening RIGHT NOW!

I looked at the clock at around 7:15 and said, "Dang! I still ain't write nothing to post tonight!"

**No, I don't speak proper English when I'm talking to myself. Don't judge me!**

I picked up my laptop and started to write, and immediately started thinking about all the other things I still had to do. And that I'm crazy tired. And that I still don't feel well. And that I have to schedule my day for tomorrow....

Uuuuggggghhhh!!!

So much to do in so little time!

Actually, I might be able to get more done if I made better use of my time and maybe put off watching A Different World until my work is done.

Instead, I've found myself pushing something out at the last minute and getting mad at myself - again- for putting it off until so late.

SO.... in order to get myself together and attempt to be more efficient, I am not only challenging myself to post to this blog everyday... I am also going to ensure that I write, edit, and post each day BEFORE 7 pm.

I think that's AMPLE time to complete my daily "to do" list AND write something meaningful for this blog. And I still might be able to catch a little of my favorite show once my work is done.

Problem solved. 😁

So, I'll be "seeing" you a little earlier than usual every night. Who knows? I might even start posting in the morning...

Either way, we have a daily date to kick procrastination's butt!! Because, after all, we are overcomers!!

Want to read about what else I have overcome during this challenge (fear, insecurity, inconsistency)? Click here.

Post #9 - Feedback

I'm not feeling well today...

I'm not feeling well, so I'm not going to write much and get all deep today. I need some rest (well.. some more rest). But, I wanted to stay true to my consistency commitment, and wanted to write just a short blurb to ask a favor from you.

I want your feedback.

Throughout this blog, I have been and will continue to share myself with you. I am being open and transparent and giving you the realness of me.

And I want to know that you are out there. I want to know how you feel about what you are reading.

At any point, if you have questions or suggestions or encouragements, please share them with me. Scroll to the bottom of the blog post and share your experiences and your feelings.

You can comment on any past posts and/or feel free to comment on any and all future ones.

I want us to interact with each other and help one another learn, heal, and grow.

So, if you're out there, comment below and let me know. I want to hear what you have to say.

But, behave! Let's keep it godly and respectful.

Until tomorrow...

-Erika!

To read the other posts in this consistency blog, click here.

 

Post #8 - The Break Up (It Was Necessary)

I recently went through a pretty bad break up. And, though the events leading to the break up were difficult and painful, they were necessary.

At first, I was perplexed by what happened. How did the relationship deteriorate so fast?

But, then I remembered that nothing just happens. Everything happens for a reason.

Before this relationship, I was single for a very long time. I had gotten divorced in 2006 and had not had a serious and meaningful relationship since.

I would like to say that I was happy being single and content with being on my own. But in actuality, I avoided men and relationships to avoid being hurt. There's no unnecessary drama and foolishness in your life when you're single.

I also took the single time to heal from my very volatile relationship and subsequent divorce and felt I was getting over all that had happened.

It wasn't until I entered into what I considered a serious relationship that the truth of what had been held inside me came out.

I didn't even realize it, and wasn't fully aware until after the relationship fell apart, that I had begun expressing the fear of reliving what I had experienced in my last relationship.

The fear of being hurt, the fear of being deceived, the fear of being controlled and losing myself in the process... again... all came out of me.

I put up my wall of protection and preservation and reacted every time I noticed something remotely out of whack.

My ex quietly rebelled against my show of fear and quickly became exasperated. I say he quietly rebelled because he didn't outwardly talk to me about my actions or his frustration. He held it in, possibly not even realizing that he was getting angrier and angrier - until he blew up in what seemed like never-ending arguing.

Obviously, because the situation involves another person, I will not go into great detail about what happened, but I think I am touching on the main gist of the story...

Anyways... before I knew it, the relationship was over and I didn't quite understand what I had done to contribute to its breakdown.

Until God revealed my mistakes.

He reminded me of the situations where I could have been more supportive or more appreciative. He showed me where my fear had taken over and I wasn't quite being myself, saying and doing things I normally wouldn't.

I thought that I was over all of the pain from the past. After all, it had been nearly 13 years since I was divorced. I had no idea that it was still lying dormant, waiting for something, or someone, to come and wake it up.

It was unfortunate, and very painful, but it had to happen.

If I had remained single and never gotten into a relationship, I would have never known that those fears still existed. I would have never known that there were issues that I still had locked inside and needed to be worked out.

I was blindsided by what was inside me, as I'm sure he was. But, as weird as it may sound, I'm glad that it happened. I now have the chance to grow and overcome those fears. I am no longer bound by them and I don't have to be afraid to give all of myself to the right relationship.

To my ex... I'm sorry. I know you were caught in the crossfire and didn't know how to deal with what you were experiencing. Honestly, neither did I. I pray for healing and revelation for you, and above all, the understanding of the fullness of God's love.

And mine. I love you forever.

-Erika!

P.S. This blog was inspired by the necessary changes brought to light by the end of this relationship.  To read the other posts that are contributing to my consistency and growth, click here.

Post #7 - How to Overcome

I recently shared that I struggled with fear and insecurity for a long time. I kept me stagnant and stuck. My desire to do something meaningful was overshadowed by fear. I was unable to move, too scared to be seen.

I feared that I was being judged and ridiculed if I stepped out and did what I was supposed to do. I was scared of the exposure and criticism and didn't want to put myself into the very vulnerable position of purpose. Instead, I opted to stay hidden in disobedience.

But, after some eye opening conversations with God and some very honest friends, I realized why I couldn't seem to overcome the fear...

I didn't trust God.

YUP!!

The answer was simple, but very hard to accept!

I went to church, I worshiped, I prayed, I even believed that God was able do everything He promised in His Word... but I didn't trust Him enough to protect ME from the things I feared.

Basically, I had no faith. 

I may have believed that God would do what He said He would, I just didn't trust that He would do it for ME. I had to take responsibility for that fact.

And I knew what else I had to do...

I had to take God at His word. And I would have to continuously do so.

If there is no one else that I can trust, I CAN truly trust God, and I can be sure of that.

So, I let go of my fear and grabbed hold of the safety of God's promises.

He said that He would never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). He said that I don't have to fear, for He is with me (Isaiah 41:10). He tells me to fear not because I am His; He has called me by name and redeemed me (Isaiah 43:1).

I believe these things. I know now, WITHOUT A DOUBT, that I am an overcomer. And I have no reason to fear.

Trusting God is the answer to overcoming EVERYTHING that keeps us bound. Everything that keeps us from being less than our best. We can trust God with our lives and He will take us safely to our promise. 

Post # 6 - The Fleetingness of Life

I just got home from visiting a family member in the hospital. It was really hard to see my loved one all helpless and hopeless in that hospital bed. But, as I stood there watching the nurses and another family member do all they could to make him feel comfortable, I couldn't help but think about how fleeting life is.

I couldn't help but think about how much we take life for granted and EXPECT that we and the people we love are going to be here tomorrow.

Most of us seldom think about death and even fear it. We want ourselves and our loved ones to live forever.

But, as we all know, eternal life on this earth is not a possibility. Death is a necessity for all of us. And we will all have to, eventually, say goodbye. 

The only way we can live eternally is by accepting Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior. 

John 3:16 tells us that "God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." 

The promise of this sacrifice is that even though we might die here on earth, we can be assured that we will live forever in heaven with God. 

And all we have to do is believe.

I pray this for my family... for everyone I love. I pray that we will all accept Jesus into our lives and just believe. Believe in His might, His sovereignty, and His precious, unconditional, never-ending love for us.

Then we won't have to fear death. But, look forward to life with God. Eternal life.

To catch up on the other posts from this blog, click here. 

Post #5 - Commitment in the Face of Difficulty

This consistency challenge is proving to be hard. Today is only the 5th day of the challenge and I am already having a difficult time hanging in there. (To read the other 4 posts in this blog, click here.)

Though I have plenty of topics I could write about, I've had a sort of writer's block and haven't been able to write anything meaningful.

Don't get me wrong, I have written some things, but they're not right. They're not ready.

But I have committed to consistently writing and posting something everyday, and that's what I'm going to do.

This consistency challenge is extremely important to me. I NEED to prove to myself that I can take on something and see it through.

Honestly, seeing things through has not exactly been my strong suit. In fact, my track record shows me giving up just about every time things got hard. Jobs, businesses, relationships... you name it, if I was in it and it got difficult, I probably gave up on it.

I tend to get to a point when I decide that I don't need or want to endure any more of the hardship or heartache associated with whatever I've decided to quit. If it is too hard to do or everything is not working out perfectly, maybe it wasn't meant for me to do it.

If I don't have the resources, if something or someone I was depending on fell through, if things aren't going the way I like them, if I get disappointed... I tend to give up.

But, lately I have been hearing the Spirit say, "How bad do you want it?"

How bad do I want to go to the next level in my life? My career? How bad to I want to grow and maintain a business? How badly to I want to cultivate a successful relationship? How bad do I want it??

Really badly!!

But, how can I do those things if I am always giving up? How can I be successful in anything if I never see anything through? How can I ever acquire endurance if I never hang in there?

How can I ever see my promised land if I never go THROUGH my wilderness?

A lot of times, many of us give up when times get hard. We get to a point where we feel like we can't take it anymore and we abandon our assignments. But, Galatians 6:9 tells us to "not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not."

We can't give up. If we endure the hardships, push through the difficulties, and see our commitments through - all the while, staying in prayer and letting God fight our battles - we will pass through our storm of difficulty and receive our reward.

I can't give up. I won't give up. Not now and not ever again. I NEED to prove to myself that I can take on something and see it through.

Thank you for hanging in there with me. Until tomorrow...

-Erika!

PS - Do you struggle with sticking with your commitments in the face of difficulty? Do you tend to give up when times get hard? Tell me about it below.

To read other encouraging posts in this blog, click here.

Post #4 - New Blog

When I started my 365 Day Consistency Challenge, I thought that I could use my existing blogs and post according to the blog I was writing for.

It seemed to work at first, but after just a few days of consistently writing and posting, it was quickly becoming a disorganized mess.

I had to go back and forth between blogs so much that it became difficult to find the right post under the right blog and figure out what needed to go where!

I saw the nerve racking confusion and frustration that keeping up with 365 various posts was sure to cause in the future, so I decided to do something about it... now.

The solution: I started a new blog!

This blog is strictly for the 365 day challenge. Every post that I share during this challenge will be neatly organized in the new Consistency forum, as well as filed under the blog (or other platform) for which it was written.

This solution ensures that EVERY SINGLE POST can be found quickly and easily. Now, there's no reason to miss a post!

Easy for you and headache diverted for me! Yay!!

So, post number 4 completed and carefully placed in its new home.

To read the previous posts in this blog, click here.

Thanks for reading and I will see you tomorrow! 😊💗

-Erika!

Post # 3 - Let's Catch Up

Well, I guess I should start where I last left off. It's been a long time since I've shared my story. The last time I shared, I believe I was in a small, cheap apartment in an undesirable neighborhood, living with minimal furniture. I barely had any belongings and I was attempting to save money for more important things.

I was very thankful for all that I had, even though it wasn't much. I had made up my mind that I wasn't going to buy any furniture or anything that made life easier. Walking into an empty living room reminded me of the importance of working hard to provide for my future.

But, then I got sick.

I was working less and bringing in less money. And, eventually, I couldn't work at all. I had to use the small amount of money I had saved up to pay my monthly expenses. And I didn't get paid sick leave, so times got pretty hard.

I ended up having to have surgery and my family rallied around me. Concern about my after surgery comfort, combined with my upcoming birthday, convinced my family to purchase and provide me with the items I refused to buy for myself.

My mom got me a microwave. My aunt and cousin teamed up to get me a queen sized bed (which I was really thankful for since my air mattress had deflated and stubbornly refused my countless, and very professional, attempts to patch it up! 😁). And my uncle, helping my cousin with her moving expenses, bought her sectional sofa and 55 inch television and gave them to me.

So, there I was, at no expense of my own, with an apartment full of furniture and living in total comfort. Ain't God good?!?!

The gifts and subsequent comfort brought about something unexpected though...

I was still attending school to earn my master's degree, but I did nothing to work outside of my comfort zone. I think I got a little too comfortable. Again.

I lingered in comfort for a while with nothing challenging me except school. But, that would soon change.

Stay tuned... 👀😊

Post #2 - Experience: Fear

I recently released a video on overcoming fear and insecurity (to watch that video, click here). In that video, I shared that I had been struggling with fear for a long time. For years, I had been too afraid to go after my dreams or to start new projects for fear that I would fail.

I also shared in the video that fear is a liar. It is not real. Fear is just a story of "what ifs" that fearful people tell themselves. It is the excuse we make to ensure we do not get hurt. It is the wall we build to keep ourselves safe.

But there is nothing safe about fear.

Fear starts with a thought. It takes a stifling hold of the mind and convinces us that we cannot or are not worthy to do something. It makes us believe these lies, then it manifests itself through our actions.

Because fear takes over the mind, it takes a renewal of the mind to defeat it.

We have to stop those fearful thoughts as soon as they enter our minds and not allow them to take hold and be exhibited in our actions.

Instead of believing the lies fear tells us about ourselves or others, we must remember who God has told us we are. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. We are more than conquerors. We are the head and not the tail. We are children of God and heirs with Christ!

We need to rebuke the damning thoughts brought by fear, pray about them, and think on things that are from above. Philippians 4:8 tells us that "whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."

We need to think on those things that bring us closer to God and closer to who we really are in Him, rather than believe the lies that fear tells us about ourselves.

When we bring our minds under subjection and think on the things that are of God every time fear tells us that we can't accomplish something or that we are not good enough, we defeat fear and stop believing its lies.

We must remember that God hasn't given us the spirit of fear. It does not belong with us. With this knowledge, we can give our fears over to God and be assured that He will deliver us from them.

And the more we spend time with God - in prayer and reading His word - we fill ourselves with God's truth and fear becomes easier to overcome. It is easier to look fear in its face and still do those things that make us feel afraid.

We cannot allow fear to keep us from our purpose, our blessings, or our breakthroughs. Right on the other side of that thing that we have been too fearful to do is FREEDOM. Fear is keeping us bound and we've got to DO IT AFRAID so that we can conquer the spirit of fear and reclaim our freedom... our minds.

Fear is that line drawn in the sand and our blessings are being held hostage on the other side. LET'S GO GET THEM!

Post #1 - Consistency Challenge

I have experienced many inconsistencies in my life. Sadly, they stretch throughout just about every area of my life. So much so, that I have consistently failed to finish projects that I have started.

I have been extremely inconsistent with writing and posting to my blogs. I assume this inconsistency is the side effect of the evil culprit that had been plaguing me for a while - FEAR.

Because of fear, I lacked confidence and belief in myself and would abandon important projects that I had begun. I was afraid that I might fail, that no one would like my work, or read my blogs.

I even had a fear that I would succeed. I had become convinced that the responsibility of success would be too much for me.

The lies that I told myself about myself made it difficult to continue... to do anything. To complete anything.

When I came to the realization that fear is not real and that it was causing me lie to and sabotage myself, I decided to do something about it.

Instead of doubting myself and my abilities, I am taking on a new project that will not only break my streak of inconsistency, but will also help to increase my ability and my confidence in myself.

Huh?? You want to know what I am doing? Well, I'm glad you asked! (I know... That was corny! 😂)

I am initiating my own consistency challenge!

For the next 365 days - YES, AN ENTIRE YEAR - I will be writing and posting something on this, as well as one of my other two blogs, Experience: Life or My Back Story - Now EVERYDAY.

I will be writing about a variety of topics that will hopefully encourage, edify, inspire, and uplift all who read them. I will post life updates, product reviews, how tos, and more.

Basically, I will be writing and posting whatever I think will be worth the time you take out to read my blogs. The posts will entertain you and help me develop the habit of being more consistent.

Consider this post #1 on day #1 of my 365 day challenge. I ask for your support and encouragement as I return everyday, sharing more of myself with you and starting a trend of adopting positive habits.

I am looking forward to "hanging out" with you guys everyday and interacting with you. I hope you enjoy reading these posts as much as I love writing them. Please feel free to like, comment, and share as much as you would like!

"See" you tomorrow!!

-Erika!